Epic Fan Fail

I was so frustrated by the way my latest adventure turned out, I couldn't even blog about it when I got home last night.  After a few bites of Black Tie Mousse Cake (from Olive Garden) and a good night's sleep... well, I'm still a little bummed out, but at least I can laugh about it now.

One of my favorite authors is Jen Lancaster.  I have read four out of five of her memoirs and am always telling people about her, to the point that I buy extra books and give them out to those I think would also enjoy her.  My three most recent converts have been my friends Shannon and Jill, as well as my sister Andrea.  In addition to reading her books, I've friended her on Facebook, follow her on Twitter, and have her blog listed in my favorites (and linked to this page).  It's easy to read her writing and feel like you're besties with her.  I love this about her writing, but in the same way... I almost feel like more of a stalker than a fan. 

As soon as Ms. Lancaster poster her 2011 Book Tour schedule, I checked to see when she'd be in Chicago.  Saturday, May 7th.  Perfect.  I wrote it on a post-it note, and it's been on my fridge ever since.

I called Barnes & Noble and learned that in order to get any book signed, I would have to provide a receipt showing that my Jen Lancaster books were purchased at a B&N.  They would be giving numbered wristbands to those who had the applicable receipts, indicating that we had been verified as well as giving a number to know what group was able to line up (almost like a boarding pass) for autographs and photos. 

I wasn't sure how crowded it would be, so I made sure to go to B&N on Friday to purchase Ms. Lancaster's new book (and first novel), If You Were Here for me and the memoir, Bright Lights, Big Ass for Shannon (shhhh, don't tell her, I still have to ship it).  Saturday would be a time squeeze, because I had to work until 3:30 p.m. and would need to change clothes and freshen up before making the drive out to Chicago's Lincoln Park for the event, especially since I wasn't sure how the traffic would be. 
            

(Side note:  Traffic reports on the radio do me no good at this point.  Chicagoans like to call their freeways & tollways by nicknames like "The Kennedy," "Dan Ryan," "Ike," etc. and report traffic in the same fashion.  I have no idea which number goes by which nickname, so I never know where the traffic is.  I just add more time to my travel plan, just in case.  Side note to the side note: I still give directions like a Californian, i.e. "the 88" or "the 355" which is cause for teasing in both Texas AND Illinois.) 

After a couple glitches in my "get ready & go" plan, and fearing that I was going to be super late, I was surprised to arrive at the B&N at exactly 6:00 p.m.  I had just enough time to prove my purchase, receive my wristband and head upstairs to... a HUGE crowd. 

Because I was only "on time," I didn't have any other choice but to stand in the back of this crowd.  After a brief introduction, Ms. Lancaster came out and greeted the crowd and began reading an excerpt from the new book.  Only problem?  I was so far away that I couldn't actually see her (although if I stood on my tippy toes and stretched real high, I could see the sunglasses on top of her head) and even though she had a microphone, I couldn't hear everything she was saying.  It was even more frustrating when people started asking questions (I couldn't hear these people at all) and then I could only hear part of her answer.  If anything I was bummed I hadn't made it earlier to get a better spot (and wondering why B&N didn't have special rooms for these types of events). 

After the question & answer period, we were able to get in line based on the number on our wristband (I was 102).  None of my friends were able to go with me, so I stood in line by myself, playing "Words With Friends" on my cell phone, listening to conversations of those around me and checking out the books along the way as the line wrapped around shelf after shelf.  About half-way through the line, I noticed that the battery had signifcantly gone down in the time that I had been there.  I stopped playing to save some battery life for the photo opportunity ahead. 

As I get nearer to the front of the line, I start getting really nervous.  The last time I went to one of Jen Lancaster's book signings, I had Jill with me.  Jill broke the ice and made it easier for me to actually speak to the author like a normal person.  Without Jill there, I was afraid I'd sound like a bumbling idiot.  I started making a mental checklist of things I could say or talk about to A.) sound intelligent and/or witty, B.) avoid sounding creepy by gushing about how excited I am to be there and telling her how much I lover her books, Facebook posts, Tweets, Blog, etc. and how Lake Forest is near where my brother lives, so we should meet up and have lunch and wine and how she and Jill and I can be besties and C.) avoid crying at all costs.  I'm almost to the table where Ms. Lancaster is sitting, signing books, and I see that her husband Fletch is sitting with her, signing books as well.  Fletch may not write the books, but he is a constant source of humor in Ms. Lancaster's writing, so his being there only adds to my excitement and nervousness.

By the time my books are handed over to be autographed, I am shaking with nerves.  (I have also been waiting in a line by myself for over an hour so not only have I had way too much time to think about anything and everything that could go wrong, now I'm hungry too.)  I started to tell Jen and Fletch about how I've converted several of my friends into Jen Lancaster fans, but I say something more like "I've told my friends, and I've... like... you know... Ohhh... I can't think of the word... um... told them to read."  Hearing myself speak only increases the shakiness and I realize there's no coming back.  Thankfully, Ms. Lancaster is very gracious and kind and talks to me instead.  She tells me that Brights Lights, Big Ass is her favorite of her memoirs and that she hates her first memoir, Bitter Is The New Black, because it is a painful reminder of her layoff in 2001.  Fletch laughs and tells me he's never even read the book.  I say a couple other lame, not particularly intelligent or witty things and then decide to get my picture taken and dash. 

I grab the cell phone (a Samsung Epic) and instantly forget how to bring up the camera capability.  I keep bringing up the gallery instead.  At this point, I'm shaky and nervous and I see the long line of people waiting for me to vacate the area so that they can get their books signed and pictures taken as well.  I try to make a joke about how I should learn to use the phone, and quickly decide that I need to shut up.  I finally figure it out and hand the phone to the B&N rep to take my picture, quickly go to stand behind Jen & Fletch, put on a smile and then hear "the phone just said 'low battery' and went back to the main menu."  I run back over to the B&N rep, try it a few more times and get the same error!!!  ARRRGGGHHHH!!  I thanked Jen and Fletch for signing my books and am mentally telling myself not to cry.  Jen felt bad about the camera thing, so she leaned into Fletch and smiled so I could take a mental picture instead.  (Thanks, Jen... I appreciated this later, lol).  I made it to my car before bursting into tears.

It wasn't a terrible experience, and it certainly wasn't something to cry over, but I get that way past a certain point of frustration.  I have the new book.  I got to speak with the author and her husband.  They both signed my books and I had my picture taken with her at the last event.  In the end, everything worked out fine, it just didn't go exactly as I had hoped.  Not everyone can be funny, intelligent and witty all the time while remembering how to use a camera phone, right?  Um.. Right!  OK, I feel better.  Will I go to another book signing event in the future?  Yes, but I am never EVER going alone again.  :)

Jen Lancaster & Amy - LifeBEAT event @ Borders Oak Park - December 1, 2010